Treatment

I am sorry I haven't posted anything in awhile, I started the IMRT treatment last Tuesday and to my surprise the fatigue hit me a lot sooner than I expected. The first day of treatment I thought I was just tired because I didn't really get much sleep the night before, but the next day I got hit by a major wave of fatigue in the car on my way home from the treatment! That Saturday I was beat and sick to my stomach, don't know if it was related. My headaches are also slightly worse. One night last week my headache was so bad that 2 vicodin didn't help.

My brace still doesn't fit me properly. The guy came today to try to fix it again, after I gave it all last week to try to break it in and started to get a callous on my arch, but he wasn't able to fix it here so he had to take it with him and hopefully I will get it back for good on Friday. I had to cancel my PT appt for tomorrow because she only wants to treat me with the brace!

Well, tomorrow will be my 8th appt which means I have 20 left after that. I also get a foot massage tomorrow after my appointment, or before, I'm not sure, I just know its free! But as soon as I put my brace back on my foot tenses up again, its still nice as its happening though, I got one the first day I had treatment, it was a nice surprise.

I found out this week that my insurance company approved my brace so I don't have to pay a dime for it!!!! I also will get to pick up my new glasses a couple weeks early, I got that call the other day.

My headache is getting worse, will post more later, I will try not to let so much time go by next time!

Getting Nothing Done

I accomplished nothing yesterday. I sat on the couch all day watching tv, or movies- I got a disc from Netflix that allows me to stream movies directly to my TV from my PS3, so of course I did not do the laundry or go to the bank or the store or do anything that I wanted to, except cry everytime I saw someone enjoying their life or doing something that I really miss doing. I hate this but I really do not know how to get out of this vicious circle of depression. I do nothing because I am depressed but get even more depressed because I have done nothing! I have even thought about taking some of my Lexapro, I still have a bunch left. They worked well in the beginning and now that I realized all the side effects of coming off of it were actually symptoms of the tumors growing back I don't think it will be that hard to stop taking it again. I will take it for a little while and then taper off when I am about to run out. Maybe that will help.

Brace Fitting

The guy came back with my brace today. He did nothing to try to fix it but he brought a heat gun with him to try to fix it hear. It now feels a little better, but there is still a little pressure on my arch so it still needs to be grinded down. I am sad because I really wanted it to be fixed today. I can try to wear it for a little at a time to do my laundry and taking out the trash but I should be careful to not make my blister worse.

I cannot stop being depressed. Nothing seems to go my way and I am just sad and wanting to cry all the time. I am jealous of all my friends and their lives and that makes me sad and guilty. What has become of me? I just want this year to be over. I remember when I knew I was going to have surgery and I just wanted the surgery to be over so I could start the healing, well the healing is not going so well. I just want to start all over. I wish I could just start all over, everything, from the beginning, or at least half way through. I would do so many things differently. First of all, I would have enjoyed life more and not spent so much time being miserable when I really had no reason to, because now I have a reason to and I missed out on so much happiness when I could have really enjoyed life! Depression sucks!

New Brace

I got my new brace on Monday. Michael came and fitted me and we walked around in the hallway and everything seemed fine, then I went to pt and everything seemed fine. Then I went to Target. My foot started to really kill me. I had to stop shopping and go home. I called the orthopedist and tell them that my foot hurt real bad, Michael said he wanted to know if I had any problems, and he said I wasn't supposed to wear it for very long the first day. Well, why didn't he tell me that to begin with? So I Let my foot get some rest for the rest of the day and the next day I put the brace on and as soon as I put weight on my foot it hurt like crazy, I knew there was going to be a problem, but they said I should wear it for a little while so I wore it to the hospital to get my mri. By the time I got home I had a blister on my foot right in the arch that had already ripped open and hurt like crazy! I called the orthopedist again. They said they would not be able to come get the brace to fix it until Monday! I started to cry! I had already waited so long for it and had not even gotten to do laundry or anything! A few hours later she called me back and said that someone would be coming by the next day to see if he could do something about my brace!
He came this morning and checked out my brace. it turns out when the mold of my leg was made he didn't make me put weight on my foot so he didn't notice that my feet are pretty flat and so he made the foot part of the brace with a high arch and that is why I got a blister. Hopefully he can file it down a little and it will fit better and I can get it back tomorrow and all will be good, because other than that it seemed to work pretty well. And I really need to do laundry!
I am still crying all the time, can't seem to win for anything lately. Everything goes wrong and nothing goes my way. I feel so fat and have headaches all the time. I don't think I am going to work at all this year. I start my IMRT treatment on the 11th until the 22nd and then I have a plane ticket to go to PA on the 23rd. And then from what I found out tonight I guess something was found on my latest MRI because I was told I am gonna have gamma knife when I get back next year. I guess I'll find out more when I go in on wed for my first appt.

Happy halloween

No plans for Halloween this year so I am sitting at home, alone, watching horror movie marathon! Last night I went to a wrap party for a show that I used to work on, it was the final season and I did work one day on it this last season so I was able to get an invite to the party. It was fun and good to see everyone again, and possibly for the last time. Who knows if I'll ever get to work with any of them ever again so it was nice to say goodbye. By the time I got home last night, or should I say this morning, 2am, my head was killing me and so was my left foot. For some reason my toes kept curling up and really got sore last night and really became painful. It was hard moving around through the crowd, but it was a fun party.

So, my brace is being delivered to me on Monday at 10am, an hour before I have to leave for PT, so hopefully it fits because I would like to wear it to PT. Still waiting to hear about autho for another MRI for the IMRT which means my treatment date will be pushed back, not sure till when. So I now have to figure out the entire treatment schedule so I can figure out if and when I can go home for Christmas. Such a bummer to have to deal with all this, I thought everything was working out fine and then to get the call that they can't use my MRI disc and need a new MRI was just very frustrating.

My head is still hurting me, haas been most of the day. Took a vicodin earlier, worked for awhile, but it has worn off now. Time to lay down for awhile again and get back to my horror movie marathon.

Crying

I'm sitting here crying because I feel like nothing ever goes the way I want it to. I know that many people probably feel this way, but it really feels that way. I just got off the phone with the company that is making my new brace, the KAFO. I told the woman that the insurance company has requested more info from my doc and that it may take a few more weeks to get autho for it and that I would like to give a credit card so I could get the brace ASAP. She said no problem about the C.C. but that they are really busy and it doesn't look like I can get my brace until Monday. Now I know my brace is ready and I told them that I was gonna call the insurance company again today and they knew I was prepared to give a credit card but they went ahead and scheduled all these other people ahead of me so I have to wait until Monday. I really need to do my laundry! It has now been over a month since it has been done because mom did it a couple days before she left. I am just so afraid to carry the laundry basket full of clothes down the stairs. Carrying stuff up stairs I can do, I have been doing, I find a way, but down the stairs is different, I have less control. I don't want to wait until Monday for the brace, but I guess its not the worst thing that could have happened.

I also got a call from my Radiation Oncologist's office. They need me to do another MRI because the images from my last one do not match up with the images of the CT they did so they are having a tough time planning my treatment. I am waiting for a return call to find out if I need another blood test or not and to see where I can get the MRI because I need to get autho from my insurance co. and they have to apply for it, not something I can do. I hope this doesn't push back my treatment date.

Head is Pounding!

I felt ok this morning and most of the day but I just finished eating and now my head is killing me! I spent the day watching movies, nothing special, slept in. Slept ok, but it was a bit cold in my room this morning so I didn't want to get out of bed! I need to go to the store but since I have PT tomorrow I figured I would wait, save gas. Tomorrow I also need to call my insurance company about my KAFO brace, hopefully they will have approved it, and if they have hopefully I can get it by friday so I can do laundry over the weekend. I haven't done it since my mom left and I really need to do it!!!! Plus I need to take out the trash again and the last time I did it was kinda scary so I think I'll wait.

Yesterday at PT I kinda had a breathrough. We were doing my knee exercises and my therapist left me to go take care of another patient and I was able to keep my knee bent and in the same position the whole time she was gone which was something I hadn't been able to do before! So my knee is getting stronger, but I still need the brace!

Well, I feel a bit nauseous and I need to lie down so thats it for now. I will post more tomorrow when I hear about the brace. Wish me luck!