Of Course!

I told ya, every time I start to cheer up and start thinking positive something happens to bring me back down again. Today, all ready to go out and have fun celebrating with a few friends and I go check my mail. Yay my disability check came! I open the envelope and my heart sinks, its $1500 less than I was expecting! I didn't realize that it had the same time restrictions that unemployment comes with, when I filed previously I was told I had $40,000 available and I only used about $20,000 of it. I never noticed any expiration dates on the paperwork like unemployment, and I just checked this paperwork I got today and there I no expiration dates either, so I guess it expires if its not reopened within a certain amount of time. My last claim was filed in Feb. I really thought this was what I was supposed to do and now I don't have enough money to pay my rent and I definately won't be aqble to make rent for January! I don't know what to do! I have been crying practically nonstop since. I called my friend who says she can help with rent, but she will want it back rather quickly so I don't know if that is the way to go. I called my mom and she is going to talk to my dad. I am going to have to start selling off all my personal belongings, movies, cd's (although I won't get much for them any more!) and my drum set. I am still trying to decide if I should sell my PS3 and Rock Band. I love it so much and it helps relieve stress and if I get rid of most of my movies and cancel Netflix I am going to need something to do until I can find work. I am going to see if my friend is interested in buying my Wii. She asked about it the other day, if it was fun, she is thinking about getting one for her and her daughter. I think it will be cheaper for her if I sell her mine than if she tries to buy it retail, if she can find one. I called her already and told her I have an offer for her, just waiting for her to call me back.

I have less than 3 hours until my friends pickl me up to go out, I really need to cheer up. I thought about playing RB but sometimes it gives me a headache and that is the last thing I need right now! I just wish I could find my Xanax! I have looked everywhere for it, I really can't remember what I did with it! I wish I could drink! I want to have fun tonight, and I am really gonna try, but its hard to think positive when everything seems to be against it! Like I said, every time I try something negative happens! I really have no idea what I am going to do. Maybe sell all my stuff, put the rest of it in storage and hopefully find a friend that will let me stay on their couch until I get a job and can find a place that will rent to me, although by then rents are going to be even higher! I am probably gonna have to live in a studio apartment again for awhile until I get some saving started.

None of this makes any sense to me. I understand that people get sick, and I'm not crying why me? its just that it seems very strange that everything was lined up so perfectly for me to make a living as a production assistant for 5 years and then get into the prop union just in time to get insurance to be covered for my diagnosis but now I can't find a job and I'm gonna have to sell everything and it just doesn't make any sense. And there are all the other issues I've been stating all along, like how miserable I was to begin with and this is just making it worse and not better. When I first got diagnosed I was fine, pretty much unphased, I had a job and I wanted to get back to it so I had something to live for and I survived. But before that job I was miserable, so I get a job that makes me happy and helps me survive a very traumatic surgery just to lose it and become miserable again, I don't get it! I really feel like I am being punished for something and I have no idea what. I got better and went back to work and then had to leave because of the staph infection, then went back to work and was forced to leave because , well, I'm not going into all that again. But at the beginning of the year I really thought things were looking up. I worked in May and then in July and I thought things would be fine, but I was wrong. I just don't know how much more of this I can survive. Its hard enough to deal with all the health issues, but to keep getting my morale knocked down too, thats even tougher. I wish I could go out tonight and drink and just forget about all of it, but unfortunately that is part of my "punishment," I cannot drink. I just don't know what to do any more.