Lost

I have not been myself lately. I feel miserable and alone. I know that may sound like me, but I was doing much better and now I'm back where I started! My head hurts and I want to cry almost all the time. I don't know if its a side effect of the change in meds or what but I feel all messed up! I keep trying to tell myself that things could be worse. I could have more tumors, or it could be cancer, or many, many worse things, but that doesn't make it any easier. I can't stop feeling sorry for myself. I try not to, I really do, but I can't seem to stop seeing the negative things. Right now there just doesn't seem to be anything positive to focus on and maybe thats just because my head hurts all the time so its hard to see any positive when I have trouble doing anything. And all my friends are working and I can't find a job and so that doesn't help either. I keep trying to set goals to make things better and when I start to get somewhere something happens to set me back, I feel like I'm walking in place. My therapist says I am doing everything I should and that I am too hard on myself. I just can't stand this emotional rollercoaster I am on. One day I'm fine and the next everything makes me cry and I feel so helpless and alone. I reach out to my friends and they are hardly ever able to make time for me. I am usually ok alone, I have been alone most my life, but there are times when I wonder why I have to go through all this alone. When do I get to be loved? I feel so left out of the world in that respect, like I am missing out on the one thing everyone in the world wants the most. I've never even come close. My whole life I've only ever really asked for two things, love and to lose weight. I always get everything else, never those two things. Maybe I should start asking for everything else and not those two things!

I have battled depression most of my life, but I really did feel better when I started the Lexapro. but after being on it for 4 months it wasn't as effective anymore so we raised the dosage. When the neuro doc prescribed Topamax for seizures and headaches he lowered the Lexapro again and that is when all this emotional craziness started. Now I read that Topamax is also used as a mood stabilizer but it will probably take awhile for it to kick in, I haven't even been taking it for a week yet. I just needed to get my feelings out.

There is this support group online that I check out every once in awhile and I thought about posting this there, I just don't really feel like I belong there. I have posted some things and gotten responses, but never really made any connects with anyone. I know it has done wonders for some, but unfortunately I am not one of them. I go there just to see that I am not alone and to get answers to certain questions, but as far as friendships, I haven't really made any connections. And as for my friends that I do have, they are all busy working and when they do have time for me I always feel like I have to show them that I am doing ok even when I am not. I don't want to come off as too needy, although I am. It is really hard to exist like this. I tend to not call people because they don't call back and its easier to get over people not calling then people not returning a call. Not saying everyone is like that, but a lot are lately and its very hard to deal with. I felt so loved when all this first started happening, everyone was here to support me and and all my friends called me almost everyday to check on me and now that I am supposedly doing better no one even thinks to check in on me, like nothing even happened. I don't understand it. If one of my friends had gone through this I would check up frequently because you never know. I know people have their own lives to live but that doesn't mean they have an excuse to forget about a friend in need. I guess these people really are more like aquaintences than friends because friends wouldn't abandon someone like this. Of course, maybe I am over thinking everything because I am so emotional right now, but the more I think about it, the more I think I am right. I would never treat anyone the way all my so called friends have treated me. Now there are a few people that are my true friends, they are not included in this. They check up on me on occassion and truly care about me, as for the rest, I don't really know what to say about them.