Back on Disability.

I saw my Doc today and he agreed that I am dealing with enough to qualify me for disability. Whew! I was so worried he wouldn't see it that way. He won't do it just because I need the money, and I understand that, but I also understand that I have brain tumors and that in itself should be enough to justify disability. Anyway, I did not cry, although I did tear up naturally, I am very stressed about all this, and I told him about the headaches and the stress and the recommendation of my therapist to go on disability and the effects of the medications and he agreed I should go on disability for 3 months. I just hope it doesn't take too long to get my first check. The first time I applied, back in February 2007 it took 5 weeks to get my first check, but since I've already done this before and already collected this year it should go faster (fingers crossed!) My parents sent me a check, I haven't received it yet, but it will pay for my bills for the month, and then when I start receiving the disability I will be able to pay rent. If the check is late, I will just call the management company and explain and at the most they will charge a late fee.

I had to have more blood drawn today, to do more tests for my thyroid. If it still shows underactivity we will finally start treating it. This could also be a reason for the depression. After talking to my doc I doubt that the thyroid med will get me off the lexapro, but it may keep me from needing to up the dosage again.

Why is it that side effects of medications show up faster than the actual effects? Topamax is supposed to help with my headaches and seizures and possibly appetite, but they say it can take up to four weeks for that to take effect and yet the tingling in the hands and the bad taste in the mouth started right away! I also read that Topamax has been seen to help with neuropathy so I am wondering if it will help my leg. I have a follow up with my neuro doc on the 25th so I will ask him then.

I do think the wooshing thing is subsiding. I still notice it, but not as much. The headaches were getting better too, but with all the stress lately I have had a major headache the past couple days. Saturday was a very bad day, but after that it got better, but then yesterday I got such a bad headache from all the stress of dealing with the unemployment lady that hung up on me and everything that I even took a tylenol w/codeine. I have tried not to take it too often because I actually like the way I feel when I take it! Last thing I need is a pain killer addiction! Unfortunately, even though I am very relieved that my doc has approved the whole thing its not a done deal until I get a check in my hand so I have a major headache right now! I can feel all the tension in my neck. I need to do a little drumming and treadmill, sweat it out.

I have also been doing a lot of thinking about my friendships. I cleared out my cell phone the other day. Got rid of all the numbers of people that either I couldn't remember who they were or that I remember but who I have tried to keep in contact with but they have not bothered to recipricate. I don't need that any more. I need to start fresh. People that are still my friends have shown that, but people that have blown me off have lost their chance. I gave everyone several chances. It felt good to clear out the phone, kind of cathartic. I need to be that way on facebook too. There are several people that I have tried to contact several times and its not like they are just never on because they post things, they just never respond to me, so I need to give up and move on. The main thing I need to do though is forget about the show I was on and move on from that. I still get very hurt about all that and it gets me nothing except more pain. I need to move on, I just haven't figured out how to let go of it yet. I have tried everything I can think of but nothing works. If anyone has any insight, please share! So, back to what I was saying about friendships, I am starting new. I need to make new friends, though I'm not sure how since I'm not working, but I am not relying on all my old friends (except the ones who have proved that they are there for me and they know who they are!)